Clichés become clichés because they contain a truth in a succinct and memorable form. They capture some aspect of our experience pithily enough that it resonates and, when we next need to express that truth, we reach for the handy cliché.
“Chicks dig jerks” is one of those clichés. All of us have seen it happen. We know some woman who has blown off, ignored and thrown over a nice, perfectly pleasant, harmless suitor for the guy who treats her and everyone else like dirt. We’ve seen women get obsessed with the dangerous guy everybody warned her against. Some of you have been that woman. Some of you have been the nice guy who got ignored.
Guys who’ve experienced this have a million complaints. They whine about being friendzoned. They blame the girl for leading them on. They console themselves with the thought that she is so confused that she’d prefer a guy who treats her terribly to someone who caters to her every desire. They tell themselves and any one who will listen that chicks dig jerks.
The problem is that repeating that cliché obscures as much truth as it reveals. A deeper understanding requires these guys to take a look at some uncomfortable truths about themselves. We’ll get to that.
But, first let’s talk about women.
In spite of what feminists have pounded into our heads, men and women really are different. We want different things from relationships. We are attracted to different qualities. If you are a guy whose been deeply scripted in feminist thinking, this may be hard for you to accept. If you are also a guy who has been ignored by women, I’d ask you to look at the results your current beliefs and actions have garnered you. It’s time to make a change.
The vast majority of women want a man who’s going to offer them leadership, who will make them feel safe, who will provide for them. They are most drawn to men who most offer these things. If that sounds old-fashioned, that’s because it is. People in the past were less muddled about these matters than we are now.
Does that mean chicks dig jerks? Well, yes and no. Think of it this way. Imagine every action movie you’ve ever seen. In every one, there’s a villain. He’s cocky, dashing, and evil. He’s smart enough to have a plan and strong enough to carry it out.
In these movies too, there’s always some guy who’s a victim. Maybe he’s getting locked in a bank vault, maybe he’s locked in a trunk. Whatever is happening to him, he’s the one blubbering, panicking, and screaming, “We’re all going to die!”
If you’ve been thrown over for a jerk, the villain of your own personal action movie, it’s because the girl you’re after thinks of you as the “We’re all going to die!” guy. Something about you makes her think you are the kind of guy who is going to panic and start flipping out when things get tough.
When forced to choose between a “We’re all going to die!” guy and the villain, she’s going to choose the villain. Remember she’s looking for leadership from someone with a goal whom she can help to achieve it. She’s looking for someone who can make her feel safe at a deep level. If her only choices are a guy who panics and whines and a guy who offers some of what she wants, she’ll choose the latter, even if he’s a jerk.
Think about this. It’s not an easy situation for her either. She didn’t choose to be attracted to what she’s attracted to. It’s part of her nature. What’s she supposed to do? It’s tough for her because the world is full of “we’re all going to die guys!” and a few villains scattered through. She knows neither is ideal, but she’s doing the best she can.
Does this mean that if you ever hope to find a girl, you should become a jerk?
Fortunately for you, victims and villains are not enough to make a movie. Every movie also has a hero. The hero is just a little bit tougher, just a little bit braver, just a little bit smarter than the villain. And he’s good. Instead of becoming a jerk, a villain, strive to be the hero.
In a world populated mostly by men who are victims or villains, heroes are the rarest catch. By aiming to move into that class, you will increase your chances with women dramatically because you will be offering women something extremely hard to come by: strength and leadership married to virtue.
This doesn’t mean all women always prefer the hero to the villain. Some women just like villains because villains are bad. Some women need to be with someone who is a jerk to them. That shouldn’t concern you. Those aren’t the women you want. You’re looking for the kind of woman who knows a hero when she sees one and who yearns to be by his side.
So, stop whining. Stop panicking. Stop crying about how we’re all going to die.
Shut up and go be a hero.
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