Why Dating Ought to be Resurrected

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All the dates have, it seems, been canceled. Forever.

Dating has been in decline for some time now. Young men and women no longer go out as couples for dinner and movies. Now it’s all about staying in for Netflix & Chill. Rather than suffer the tension of a few awkward moments one on one, young people hang out in groups and hooking up for random, noncommittal fondling.

This shift is both a symptom and a cause of the pervasive confusion between the sexes, the confusion out of which so many families struggle to be born.

Let’s examine what dating was, what it required of each party. First, the man had responsibilities. He had to come up with a plan, pick a place to go and a time to go there. He had to make any other arrangements required.

Then he had to do the riskiest thing. He had to walk up to the young lady of his choice and ask.

At that point, the responsibility shifted to her. She was required to answer honestly. Whether she agreed or declined the date, she was expected to answer straight.

The end result was an event that, at best, might mark the beginning of a family, at worst become, in time, a funny memory.

All that’s mostly gone now.

Now, romantic relationships, such as they are, are born out of a murky miasma based on the assumption that men and women have no distinct roles, that we are, essentially, interchangeable. Dates don’t happen, in part, because no one knows who should initiate and who should respond. So, the whole process degrades into an undefined pool of uncertainty and desire. Instead of requiring the honest declaration of intentions, the new arrangement breeds cowardice.

Both parties can creep toward relationships under the cover of being “just friends” or “friends with benefits”. The formality of dating has given way to a pervasive casualness that requires nothing of anyone and produces little but fruitless sexual pleasure and hurt feelings.

A lot depends on reversing the current trend. The older system of dating, while far from perfect, required a greater level of risk, a greater level of formality and clearer roles and boundaries. All these are things that strengthen families. The older style of mate selection through dating worked as practice for regular family life.

The relationship-by-accident system now in place functions on ambiguity, passivity, secrecy, and chaos. All these are bad for families. Only by resisting this set-up and the forces behind it can we move back toward a process of founding families in a way that starts them on a solid foundation of honesty and character.

So, if you are a young woman here’s what you can do: turn down all those invitations to chill at some dude’s apartment. Stop going to his place and waiting to see what happens. Have standards. Expect a proper date and don’t give the pleasure of your company or your body away cheaply. Wait until all things have been done in their proper order.

Though young women can do their part, the bulk of the burden is on the men. Only men willing to take risks can really change this situation. Whether anyone likes it or not, men have traditionally been the initiators and that isn’t going to change. If the majority of men insisted on asking women for dates in that formal old-fashioned way, the majority of women would follow suit.

The problem, of course, is that most young men are clueless about how to make this change. They’ve been taught that the current arrangement is normal, the way things have always been, the only way things can be. More than that, they’ve been taught their desire for female company, for sex, for family is either creepy, shameful or dangerous, the source of “rape culture.”

If you are a young man, here’s what you do. Ask some girl out. Right now. It almost doesn’t matter who she is. Who cares if you think she will say no? It’s the asking that matters. Do it often enough that rejection losses its sting or until you get so good at it that you almost always get a yes. Remember, her opinion of you means nothing at this stage, all that matters is that you know you have something to offer and that you put it on the line. That’s what men do. Be a man.

Whether you’re a man or a woman, asking for and accepting dates is about more than you and your feelings. It’s about using wisdom to determine the character of another. It’s about getting to know others to determine whether they are equipped to help you move toward the life you want. It’s about making choices to better the lives of children and grandchildren yet to be born. It is about the business of love and connection and family. Business on which you’ve been slacking. It’s time to get to work.

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15 responses

  1. Whats old is new again. Both sides need to move in order to make this advice work. When a dude asks a girl out on a ‘real’ date these days, he comes across like some kind of idiot. Girls don’t expect it and can get weirded out by it. Its a tumultuous time.

    Great post!

    • I don’t think all girls think that guys who ask them are idiots. It’s definitely a risky move but I mean I think most girls on my campus would entertain the idea of it and it’d definitely make the guy stand out. It’s refreshing to get asked out.

      Then again, getting asked out on a date is kind of anomaly. In my college career, I’m more likely to get asked out to go get dessert late at night, netflix and chill, go out to a frat, meet up at party etc. without the intentions being clearly stated. So I mean many times girls end up going out on a date even though it’s not a “date” per se just because men are afraid.

      The other night for example, a guy asked me if I wanted to grab dessert or something. I didn’t think it was a date because he wanted to hook up with me the other night and when we went to the dessert place, he told me that he would have paid for us. I didn’t wanna lead him on so I just paid for my own share. Weird right?

      I’d say the biggest problem with my generation is communication. We suck at it and it’s scary how much we don’t realize it.

  2. Hooking up is as old as time. Its actually the natural state of humans. We invented marriage much later, and courtship even later than that. If not for pregnancy and STDs, there’d be no problem with hooking up in this day and age.

  3. “Ok. Let’s say that’s true. What do you think we ought to draw from it?”

    my point is this: i love your post, it is romantic and traditional. that has always been my tendency, to treat people with kindness and respect, especially women. the idea of going back to traditional, respectful, honorable dating is very appealing to me and many others, i am sure.

    however, my problem with your post is that you put most of the burden on young men, or at least men in general, to bring back traditional dating, without truly identifying how — and even more crucially, *why* — this old system was attacked and destroyed.

    the militant feminists and the SJWs have tremendous power in the new america — they *are* the new power structure — and they have destroyed the old system, and replaced it with a new reality where men are evil and not to be trusted. all men are potential rapists, after all, and the only “good” men are the ones who become women, aka bruce jenner. the male guilt in our society is overwhelming, both sexual guilt and status guilt, and we are constantly reminded to check our privilege and to feel ashamed for being men.

    *this* is the main problem, this massive shift in cultural values, this poisoning of young american minds. young men feel ashamed for being men, so only the real assholes have any sexual confidence. young women don’t want to trust men, since men are potential rapists, so women are taught to be “fun and fearless”, to be sexually and financially “empowered” — aka to have a lot of casual sex, make her own, basically act like a man, so she doesn’t need a man.

    so into this battlefield you are idealistically asking young men to ask young women out on traditional dates? seems to me like a bad idea, a dangerous idea, a beautiful but hopeless idea that will only harm these young men even more. these romantic, idealistic young men will get shot down and ridiculed, because that’s how the new system works. girls now don’t want to be treated honorably — that is boring! — they want FUN and THRILLS and a bit of DANGER from their men — their primal “fun and fearless” sexual desires are being encouraged, remember. there is no patriarchy holding them back, pressuring young women to act like demure and delicate ladies.

    this is why the red pill is so powerful and so necessary, because it explains what is really going on in this new reality, this new sexual marketplace, and it teaches young men how to survive in this new world, and even succeed in it — with success almost always being defined by young men as getting a cool and sexy girlfriend — maybe after some fun, casual sex, but almost always, getting a great girlfriend that they can share experiences with and fall in love with.

    men are the true romantics, after all.

    • Thank you for your kind words.

      First, I would say that I am not placing the burden on men, but that reality is. Men are leaders because reality is designed that way. For any positive social change to happen, men will have to lead it.

      I generally agree with your analysis of our current social milieu, but believe it is somewhat overblown. Where I live, in a small town in the American Midwest, there are still vestiges of the older social system. I see plenty of young women every day who are not the crazy, feminist stereotype we read about in the manosphere.

      I think this post by Roosh captures a lot of what I see everyday.

      http://www.rooshv.com/10-things-i-learned-from-touring-the-american-midwest

      Certainly, these girls have been damaged by feminism etc., but not so badly that they couldn’t be led in a new direction by a man who was brave enough to do so.

      Having said that, I don’t think encouraging men to ask women on dates is destructive as you say. And even if it were, doing dangerous things for a good cause is what men do.

      I’m not saying they need to date disreputable, but again, there are a lot of reputable women out there waiting for dates.

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