Advice for Women on Men and Pornbrain

The only thing more ubiquitous than porn these days is talk about how porn is ubiquitous. Porn has become an inescapable reality in our digitized culture. Rather than having to make, as in the days before the Internet, a special effort to acquire it, now we must make a special effort to avoid it. Filter everything and avert our eyes is the new policy for those who don’t want to be swept away by a typhoon of sexualized material. Unfortunately, some welcome the wave, thus the constant conversation. Porn use is now so mundane that a new term has emerged among young women online for men whose minds have been shaped by porn in obvious and deleterious ways: pornbrain. Pornbrain is a condition sufferers may not even be aware they have, but men infected with it can’t seem to hide it from the women they encounter. These women, no doubt, feel helpless before such a massive and crushing cultural trend, but it’s not true there is nothing they can do. If you’re one of them, let me make some suggestions.

First, curtail your use of any sexually provocative material. You may not think of yourself as using porn outright, but what are you reading? Are you caught up in whatever steamy HBO show people are talking about? Normalizing and accepting sexually provocative media in your own life will make pornbrain in men harder to detect and reject. Your ability to detect pornbrain will grow in direct relation to the degree that you remove this kind of material from your experience. You will also be more confident setting boundaries if you don’t feel guilty of double standards or have to worry about accusations of hypocrisy.

Boundaries, of course, are critical.  A long time ago, American Express ran an advertising campaign telling people with an American Express card not to leave home without it. This is good advice for you regarding your boundaries. Set them at home before you even engage the outside world. Know before you walk out the door what your social and sexual limits are and resolve to stay within them no matter what. Your boundaries can’t cure his pornbrain, but they can prevent your being infected. And don’t fool yourself,  if you get involved with a pornbrained man you will get drawn one way or another into his problem. It’s better to be alone.

Finally, take advantage of the fact that talk about porn is everywhere. Make sure that “everywhere” includes within your relationship. Ask him about his porn use. Make an issue of it. Tell him what you are ok with and, probably more important, what you are not ok with. Don’t be afraid to say that you will only be in a relationship that involves the optimal amount of porn use, and that the optimal amount of porn use is zero porn use. Too often, people leave important things undiscussed. Silence is a path to problems, so speak up early and often if necessary.

Don’t listen to anyone who says the problem is you. Anyone telling you to accept something you don’t want to accept is not on your side. Anyone telling you to be less uptight, less of a prude is pressuring you to lose for his gain.  You have every right to determine what you will allow in your relationships and what you will not. Pornbrain doesn’t just disappear. It is possible though to heal, but not without effort.  Any man who wants a healthy relationship with you or any other woman will make that effort. Your accepting his condition and trying to make the best of it is no favor to him. Insisting on your boundaries might be tough, but good men will be motivated  by them to change for the better. The cause of pornbrain is ultimately his inability to say no, your no, if you’re willing to give it, may just be part of the cure.