Avoiding Conflict Is Avoiding Intimacy

Maybe you’re like me.

I never thought of myself as conflict avoidant.  I was always up for a debate or a fight over principles. When I knew I was right, I was unafraid to stand my ground. 

But, at a deeper, more important level, I was as afraid of conflict. In my closest relationships, where it mattered, I would avoid conflict if I could. I was often afraid to express my wants, needs or values clearly for fear of making the other person mad, of igniting a big fight, and above all, of losing the relationship. 

I’ve learned a lot since then.

What I know now is that when we avoid conflict, we avoid intimacy. And avoiding intimacy keeps us lonely. It is in the throes of conflict that, if we handle it well, we may come to know and be known more deeply. And when we know and are known we experience less loneliness.

Two principles will help you manage conflict in order to get to greater intimacy on the other side. The first is to control your emotions and defensiveness. The second is to remain open under fire. 

Think for a moment about what conflict is. At its core, conflict is two people wanting different things, or at least appearing to. When this disparity can’t be quickly resolved, it’s easy to get angry and defensive. It’s easy to attack and to feel attacked. 

When we feel attacked, we respond with defensiveness. We shut down to any truth we might need to hear from the other. We close off the possibility of connection in the midst of conflict. We say something that amounts to “I don’t trust you and I don’t care what happens to this relationship”. We make it clear our walls are high.

If we can instead control the emotions that make us want to defend, we can remain open even when we feel the other is attacking us. Remaining open doesn’t mean accepting abuse or bad behavior from another. It means communicating what we are experiencing and what we  want.  Remaining open might sound like saying “Your tone of voice is hurting me and I’d like us to resolve this in a respectful way” or “I know things are tense between us right now, but you are important to me and I want to work this out.”

Non-defensiveness and openness lead to productive conflict. 

Destructive conflict is resolved through domination, where one party overpowers the other. Productive conflict is handled through understanding the others’ perspective and needs. When we have a better understanding of the other person’s perspective and needs we can more effectively find mutually beneficial solutions.  A pattern of understanding one another’s inner worlds and working together to find workable solutions can’t help but increase intimacy. 

When we avoid conflict we avoid the opportunity to practice handling it productively. When we avoid conflict we avoid really knowing and being known. In short, we avoid intimacy and invite loneliness. One reason people tolerate such high levels of loneliness is because a lonely life is often a low-conflict life. If you want to be less lonely and more connected with others, learning to handle conflict is the price you have to pay.