Why You're Lonely And Can't Do A Thing About It

Everyone’s lonely, and everyone knows what to do about it .

Everyone knows the solution to loneliness is relationships.

So then why do so many of us stay lonely?

To answer this question we have to know what a relationship is and what kind of relationship can satisfy loneliness. Not all relationships make us less lonely. We all have relationships that come about merely because of proximity, cordial but shallow relationships at work, for instance. We have transactional and professional relationships. We even have  perfunctory social relationships with acquaintances or neighbors that we enjoy but that do not resolve our loneliness.

Only relationships in which we are deeply known, and in which we know another have the potential to salve our loneliness. Achieving this kind of knowledge of another requires sharing our inner life. We must allow the other person to see our feelings, thoughts, needs and fears, and must willing to behold theirs. We must show and see what is normally hidden. Our loneliness lightens as our inner lives connect and mingle, when we feel the affirmation and acceptance of the other and the presence of his spirit in our own.

Still, the more critical question remains unanswered. If we know how to cure our loneliness, why then is so little loneliness cured? The answer is that many, perhaps most, people cannot build the kind of relationships described above. See, loneliness is a surface level problem. Surface level problems cause us conscious pain even though they stem from deeper problems of which we may be unaware. In short, loneliness is a problem that is built atop other problems. Surface level problems are visible symptoms of something invisible under the surface.

The deeper problem for chronically lonely people is the inability to share their inner lives. They cannot build connections that allow them to feel the presence of the other inwardly. They cannot allow the other person to become a part of themselves and so remain isolated.

Rather than allow themselves to be seen, they hide. They do not open their inner lives, and often get uncomfortable when others do. They have their reasons. Some may just be functioning at a low level of consciousness. They may not even be aware that they have an inner life or that their persistent unhappiness is related to their deep disconnection. 

People like this may be very caught up in materialistic values and pursuits. What inner life they possess is consumed by thoughts of wanting and getting. Because they live lives marked ignorance and fragmentation, such people have little inward impetus or share anything outside of simple hedonistic pursuits with another person. 

Though many people function this way: avoiding intimacy out of low consciousness and materialism, a lager percentage avoid loneliness-eradicating intimacy out of shame and fear. They fear revealing their inner workings would lead to rejection. Fear of rejection makes intimacy harder to achieve because it leads to erecting of inward walls, to the fortification of the ego. A rigid and fortified ego leads to harshness and defensiveness, which, paradoxically, leads to rejection. And so, shame and the fear of rejection become the engines that churn out loneliness.

This fear of rejection is not totally unjustified. Many people cannot bear the revelation of another's inner life. For some, intimate knowledge of another is too sensitive or painful to bear. It triggers their insecurities and fears.

These people also condemn themselves to loneliness by avoiding the kinds of interactions where another person's inner life might be known. In order to avoid their discomfort, they become rejecting, confirming the other’s dreadful fear.

This is why in addition to being brave enough to share out inner worlds, we must learn to recognize those with whom such sharing can be done profitably. We must learn to discern who has the capacity for intimacy and who does not. When we find someone who has this ability, then we can begin to put our loneliness in exile.

If you are having trouble developing fulfilling connections with others or discerning who might be able to sustain that kind of relationship with you, I can help. Click here to book your free call to talk about what we can do to get you moving immediately toward more fulfilling relationships.