On Treavor Sheatz' Formerly Promiscuous Wife, Part One
Years ago, I went on a retreat with a group of men from various Christian backgrounds. At one point, our leaders told us to form small groups for prayer and encouragement. Someone said that if we felt it was appropriate, this might be a good time to confess sin. I wasn’t expecting much of this, considering that I barely knew the other guys.
Immediately after beginning, a man in the group rushed forward to spill his guts. “Well, I’m not going to hold back from you guys,” he said, and went on to confess a moment of mundane solo sexual sin.Nobody wanted to hear this.
The group grew silent, the grip of awkwardness spread like a fist of ice around the circle. Everyone instantly became powerfully interested in what the floor looked like. I can’t remember how we moved on, but I’m very grateful we finally did.
The whole incident was manipulative, inappropriate, and embarrassing. The troubling nature of the moment was multiplied by the fact that to point out that such exposure was awkward and inappropriate in such a group would have been to mark oneself as spiritually immature, low status, and probably not serious about Jesus.
To understand why, you have to understand the unspoken culture in many low church evangelical settings. In these, being willing to make uncomfortable and shocking confessions in groups of people with whom you are barely familiar is taken as a sign of sincerity, high-status, and maturity.
This is true for the same reason people whose lives were disasters prior to their conversions are looked up to for their amazing and powerful testimonies. The more messed up a life someone lived prior to conversion, the higher the status they attain in these circles.
The status ladder in these settings is often reversed from what it is in more mainstream groups, leading a lot of people, including me, to be put off by what we witness in such surroundings. I remember feeling mad in the moment of the other guy’s confession because it was clear he was stealing the limelight and that doing so, for him, outweighed the virtues of modesty, propriety, and genuine concern for others.
I thought about all this after reading a recent tweet from Trevor Sheatz in which he described his wife as “formerly promiscuous.” The tweet blew up and got lots of attention. It sparked so many thoughts in my mind that this may be the first part in a series.
The first thing I wanted to say is that this kind of tweet can’t be understood outside the social dynamics I describe above.Talking about his wife’s previous “promiscuity” isn’t, in Sheatz’s circles, a way of shaming her; it’s means of elevating his and her status by doing something that will be read as bearing public shame for the sake of the gospel and in an attempt to bring glory to God.
Such behavior turns my stomach.
Maybe my reaction is too much; maybe it stems from years being around these circles and experiencing them as blind, thoughtless, and intrusive. Maybe.
Still, something deeper bothers me. It’s the same thing that bothered lots of people who showed up in the tweet’s comment section. What bothered us is that far from being a signal of piety, posting this kind of sensitive personal information is a vice.
This kind of publicity stunt rejects the virtues of modesty, prudence, and empathy, all while the people posting such things pat themselves on the back in a fit of pride and self-justification.
Twitter commenter Roland Gunn got to the core of the complaint against this kind of behavior with these tweets.
What Gunn is getting at is that these kinds of public admissions ignore the issue of modesty. Modesty means not revealing oneself or sensitive personal information in inappropriate contexts for attention. It means forcing knowledge of one’s intimate life and self on others who might be burdened by that knowledge or at least made uncomfortable by it. Sheatz, in posting this information, denies his obligation to practice modesty in order to create an obligation for his audience to bear this affront silently. Those who refuse, he can now cast as caring less about the Gospel simply because they find such immodesty tasteless and offensive.
Not only is this kind of posting immodest, it is imprudent. Parading one’s mistakes or, even worse, one’s spouse’s mistakes on the Internet is unwise. By exposing his wife in this way, Sheatz opens her to ridicule, shame, and all sorts of possible consequences he cannot predict. He leaves open the door to his metaphorical home, which he knows is surrounded by monsters, and brushes off such a critique by claiming anyone who differs simply lacks faith.
The willingness to disregard these virtues shows a lack of concern about others’ feelings. Just like that man in my small group, Sheatz no doubt believes that a willingness to be shocking, to cause discomfort, to disregard unstated boundaries is a sign of bravery and sincerity on his part, and that his desire to display these qualities outweighs any sort of empathy for his audience.
Most people think evangelicalism is conservative, but, in fact, large swathes of it are radically anti-traditionalist and, in their way, liberal. Many evangelicals see traditional social virtues like modesty, propriety, and prudence as hindrances to the practice and proclamation of the gospel. In this way, evangelicalism has been, and in posts like Sheatz’s we see, remains a cultural force behind ever increasing levels of disdain for traditional social common sense.
About the time I encountered Sheatz’s post, I also encountered an ad online for a church letting everyone know that if the church achieved some goal, maybe bringing in a certain number of visitors, the pastor would take a pie to the face. Such promotions erode the dignity of the office, juvenilize the church, and lower the bar for public behavior. Sheatz’s post does the same and proves that in spite of good intentions, evangelicals’ pride so often leads to a failure to love their neighbors, a goal that would require serious repentance to achieve.
Let’s just hope they do it in private
I think you make a very good point that I have never thought about within evangelicalism, and it's something I have likely fallen into a time or two.
It's kind of a spirit of the age, to be "authentic" and "real" you have to be willing to confess sin with people that you dont know. There is definitely a time and a place for vulnerability, but as you said, it's not with people you dont even know. Confession of sin to another should mean they then can hold you accountable to pursue holiness.
I saw his OP on FB and it was very long and I skimmed it because it felt a bit embarrassing to me to read it. You can say what he wanted to say, which is that God esteem repentant sinners and their sin doesn't necessarily preclude them from a godly marriage, without using his wife as the "look at us!" You are right, it is immodest.
Then again, evangelicals of that nature dont teach a full theology of modesty. They stop at "women shouldn't wear leggings." And thats the problem.
Please make this a series, Dean!
Your perspective really helped me decode why this whole Sheatz situation was so revolting.